Many people hold to the belief that alcohol should be classified as a drug and be made illicit. In this statement , I would completely agree and in this essay it is presented why.
First of all, consuming alcohol, especially in huge amounts causes dependency, which leads to myriad of health problems that our modern society face today. Psychological problem seems to be one of the health consequences that stems from alcoholism. If you consider admissions in the psychiatric departments worldwide, it would appear that most of the cases can be traced to alcohol misuse. Consequently, this adds to government´s financial burden by increase expenses allocated towards psychiatric healthcare.
Secondly, cases of domestic abuse is considerably rising with 7 out of 10 American households becoming victims of a family member who is suffering from alcohol addiction. Vulnerable women and children are significantly affected by this, causing them to seek separation from the abusers, and eventually creating dysfunctional families. This is undeniably a societal issue that can cause a lot of concern.
Finally, it is a widely-researched topic that improper use of alcohol is one of the major cause of cancer such as oral, lung and colon. It can be said that the largest expenditure in medical care is for cancer diagnosis and treatment, hence it is only natural to argue that alcohol should be prohibited for the sake of society´s economic health and overall well-being.
To conclude, I tend to agree that alcohol is a substance that is dangerous for human consumption and efforts should be initiated to sanction its use by the general population.
(1 votes, average: 8.00 out of 9)
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Comments
Wow, very powerful essay Noemi! ????
+ Clear position in your intro (although, you don’t need to say “in this essay it is presented why”)
+ Each paragraph has a well-developed idea.
+ Very good use of examples and statistics to develop your ideas
+ Some very impressive vocabulary: classified as a drug, causes dependency, myriad of health problems, face a problem, stems from alcoholism, alcohol misuse, government´s financial burden, Vulnerable women and children, dysfunctional families, largest expenditure, prohibited for the sake of society´s economic health and overall well-being, etc.
– It is not clear what you mean by “In this statement,” in the introduction.
– “by increase expenses allocated…” – we usually use an -ing form of a verb after prepositions (except to). So, it would be “by increasing”
– Be careful with subject-verb agreement: “cases of domestic abuse is” it should be “are” (referring to cases)
If this feedback helped you, please take the time to give some other members feedback on their writing- they will definitely appreciate it. ????
Thank you for the feedback Eli. I have seen those mistakes after I posted it. But I’m glad that to know I’m getting better.
– so, in the introduction, is it right to write instead “with this statement”?
You could write “I completely agree with this statement”
Okay, I could have made it simpler.:)Thank
Will also make time to give others feedback.:)Thanks for reminding
Regarding “in this essay, I will present why..” I see other writers do this. Also, based on the book IELTS by Cambridge, some of the model essays there use that. To be fair that book dates back to 2014 so I wonder if this is a new change? Let me know.:)
Regarding “in this essay, it is presented why.”, I don’t think it is a new change; it’s just my opinion. It is good to avoid these phrases because examiners see them as generic phrases that can simply be memorised and inserted into any essay.
I fully understand. Okay thanks for the explanation